yesterday...

Yesterday was a huge day for me. At light house, while the youths were eating their meal, I was just sitting and thinking. Normally I'm talkin with people at that time but I just had too much on my mind. I have seen myself slip back into the tendancy that I have struggled with for years to rely to much on people. I can't really explain it b/c it's too personal but regardless yesterday my flesh and my soul were at war with eachother and I was feelin it like crazy. My flesh was telling me I needed people but my soul knew I needed God. So i sat with my head in my lap and started prayin. I pray out loud all the time here b/c that's how it is done here. At church and at lighthouse there is always a time of prayer but everyone is praying out loud together. So, I was just prayin, quietly enough that others couldn't hear me though. The sense of spiritual warfare was so strong as even in my prayer I would say something out loud and then doubt it. I started to cry, overcome by all of it. I had felt sick earlier that day so Faye came over and asked if I was ok, thinkin i was sick again. I didn't lift my head I just said I was fine because I didn't want to talk to anyone right then. So she walked away and I just kept fightin, prayin. A few seconds later I felt a hand on my back. It was a big hand so I knew it was one of the lighthouse boys. Then I heard David right by my ear ask if I was ok. I had no idea how I would be able to explain any of this to him so I didn't even look at him. I just started cryin harder and he could feel it. So he lifted my head and asked again. I told him that although I was crying it was good. He didn't really understand so I just looked at him out of the side of my folded arms and explained to him that when we discover a part of ourselves we don't like, it can be overwhelming. I told him I was crying becuase I was tired of this ugly part and that I was tired of trying to carry it on my own. I told him that I was crying because I had came to the point of surrender but I wasn't sure of how to surrender it. He told me that he understood because there are things in his life he doens't want to tell me about but that he too wants to surrender them and move on. So after talkin a little while longer we decided that we would pray for eachother and everytime we were together we'd ask how the other's "struggle" was going. He said that in a week or so, he wants to share his story with me because he said it is hard to pray for someone if you do not know their struggles. So we agreed to share with eachother at a later date. It was so beautiful to be apart of that. To have a former street kid comforting me and being truly concerned at the sight of my pain. I am still thanking God for that. David has been hard to read, as are most of the lighthouse youths, but he is really starting to open up and we've had some great conversations.

Last night as I was journaling and listening to my music I went to my room to be alone and to pray and as I was prayin and journaling about all of that stuff the song "there is none like You" was playin in my headphones and i realized that was what I needed to remember. That "I can search for all eternity long and find there is none like You". It sounds so cliche I'm sure, but for me it is a simple truth that I need to take hold of.

The feeling of complete surrender is a feeling of complete safety. Knowing that I no longer have to bear that load and being held that close, there is no greater peace.

HaleyKate