"Doubting Thomas"

People see the nickname "Doubting Thomas" as a negative thing. They perceive Thomas as being a bad Christain because he questioned what Jesus was doing. However, isn't what he was doing what we all should do more of?

God did not just give us all the knowledge about himself and Jesus. He lets us discover it in very personal ways. The bible is a guide to God's heart and will for us. Truly the Bible contains little if read plainly. One must read the Bible expecting to hear from God and to receive insight from the Holy Spirit. I think that is such an amazing part of who God is. Each of us will learn about Him differently and personally.

Perhaps Thomas wasn't doubting, he was wondering. Is it always a sin to question? I mean, there are times when I don't know what I should do so I ask God. Maybe I don't ask nicely but I am asking. What I mean is, if something doesn't seem right, is it wrong to ask God what He's doing? Or am I just supposed to go on with out question, knowing it is God's will?

To answer that, I think Thomas was just verbalizing what we so often are thinking. We are asking God to help us to understand what He is doing in our lives. Having faith is not only when we're sure of it, like when we're surrounded by other believers, but also, and more importantly, when we can hardly pray because we're so shocked, and maybe even mad, about what is happening to us.

So I am going to question God all the time because I want to better understand His will for mylife. I realize I may not always get the answers I want; I may not get any answer at all. However, I know I can have a peace knowing that God is a good God. I may not always like what is going on in my life but I always know God does and that gives me such a peace.

my conversation with my Father

There are times when all I see is hurting and loneliness
I need to see You in this, tell me why I cannot see the good?
I gave you my wounded heart and you gave me your love
I came with nothing to offer and you gave me your son.
I screamed at you: "Do not be silent!" Now I hear you whisper:

I'm here. I never left you.
I know your pain and I see your suffering.
But I have not forgotten you! I have a marvelous plan for you
but you must wait.
For you are not yet ready but will be soon.
The magnitude of it this cannot be comprehended by you yet.
Wait;
for I am going to astound you.

Father, I hate what I see and feel but I am going to wait in anticipation,
in eagerness of what you will teach me.
You will show me new ways to love and to be loved.
My head tells me to be angry but my heart knows you
and has told me to be excited.
For through this test of faith I am going to know you so much better
and that is all I live for.
I give you all of me.
I know I am used and wounded but I give it all to you,
The good and the bad.
I will not let my past control me any longer.
You love all of me;
what is seen and what is hidden in shadows,
what I will not show others.
I care not what others think for I realize that to live for you is to truly live!
Thank you for this revelation!

Amen

relationships and love

College life has taught me a lot. One of the things that has caught me off gaurd the most is relationships. I've thought, for some time now, that I pretty much knew how they worked, relationships that is. I have found it is much harder to love someone when you're with them all the time. Love does not come so easily from me as I thought it would.

I have never had a fear of what a friend would think of. Here, I have come to know differently. I fear that if someone gets to know me, the true me, the me I normally hide; they might reject that. I so badly want to make and keep good friends here but I am finding this fear is having a way of creeping in. I have yet to be able to let me guard down with any of my new friends. And that gets tiring.

People can only know us so well. There comes a point when we can have told someone everything there is to know about us, and still there is parts of us they dont know. There are debths in usthat only God can reach. It is beautiful but it causes problems for me. Sometimes I forget this and feels hurt when people don't understand these depths of me. They miss parts of me, who I truely am.

All this has helped me come to know what it is to want to go home. Not to my earthly home but back to my creator. I know that I can never been truely and completely be known by any human, no matter how much they love me. It is a day like this that leaves me longing to be with my Heavenly Father.

I am not sad at this because the beauty of it all is that through this, I am able to love my God more. I am able to yearn, ache for Him on a different level. I now know what David was trying to put to words when he wrote the 139th Psalm. God has searched us and is the only one who truely knows us. The Bible says God is love. He really is. He has love but more importantly he is love, and that is why I yearn for Him.