It's not mine

A.W.Tozer talks about how as Christians we sometimes forget that just because we are saved doesn't mean our pursuit is over. I believe that the continual pursuit of God is SO importance once we're saved. I cannot put to words what it is that God is revealing to me, teaching me, and doing in my life right now. It is so amazing to me! Here and now is where I find my pursuit becomes critical. I need to be able to articulate the love and peace of God. I don't know that I will ever be able to do that perfectly while I’m still here on earth because, perhaps, our vocabulary isn't vast enough.

My relationship with my Heavenly Father is just that, a relationship; no matter what I say, there are things that only I can understand because I have experienced and felt them. That’s how it is with God. No matter what I tell someone there are aspects of this amazing relationship that I cannot put to words. They are things that others must experience. Once one has experienced God in this way, one can relate to what I am saying. It is these times with God, when I feel like I truly am His daughter, when I feel like if He were any nearer I could feel His breath. The fact that He takes the time to have a personal encounter with me, on a regular basis even, is what keeps me hard after Him. Who am I to deserve that? I’ve made MANY mistakes in my life and I continue to make them daily.

The hard part of this relationship is that sometimes I have to hurt in order to move in the right direction. I have heard our relationship with God compared to a sculptor. If we are the rock that the sculptor is going to make into a beautiful statue, he is going to have to chip parts of the rock away until it is perfect. That’s how it is with God. Sometimes the chipping hurts but it is going to be so beautiful in the end. I may have scares but let us not forget that even our risen Lord has scares!!!

The other night I read about two words. My and Mine. I read a beautiful insight about the story of Abraham and Isaac. It talked about how Abraham loved his son so much that it was like an obsession. Abraham was a very Godly man, for lack of a better word, but he valued his son to much. Abraham loved his son so much that he let his love hinder Him from being able to completely surrender to God. To make a long story short, God had to show Abraham that he had to surrender everything to God. So by telling Abraham to sacrifice his beloved son, God was taking away the one thing that was challenging His place on the thrown of Abraham’s life. Obviously he did not take Isaac then but he did test Abraham enough to show him that although he had much, he possessed nothing. After Abraham's hard but amazing experience, he probably never used the words my and mine the same again. He was free from these words.

I want that. I want to be freed from my sense of possession. If that means that I have to be broken in such a way that I will feel like God has taken everything, so be it. It is a hard truth for me to grasp to think that even my beloved family and friends are not mine. They are His. I cannot stand in the way of His will for them and I cannot let them stand in the way of His will for me. That is something that scares me. I am planning to go to Sierra Leone, Africa next semester for 4 months. It will hurt to have to leave those that I love so much but I know that I am going to be challenged and going grow. I hope that I am able to take to heart the concept of servant hood and put it into action while I am gone. I know I need to continue to pray about this trip and His will for it. I would appreciate anyone else’s prayers as well.

That’s it for now.

Haley Kate

Bringing more then me to worship

I lead worship last Sunday at the contemporary service in my church. On the surface it appeared to go well but I could feel such a spiritual battle going on and I couldn't figure out why it was there or how to get rid of it. Then last night I figured out why.

As I was on stage I could just see that there was a lack of true worship. People were just singing because they were supposed to. After we got off stage and sat in the back of the room, I just really started to be bothered with this. As the worship leader, it is my responsibility to bring people into worship through my honest and humble worship. I prayed about it a lot and then got back up to finish the service. The second part went much better and people were truly worshiping this time.
I was still bothered by how the service went though. What most bothered me was the fact that I couldn't see why there was a problem. Last night I was reading "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer and God really got my attention on this and some other matters. Let me share...

Regarding Sunday, God showed me that it was me that was the problem. I have to say that I hate to admit my shortcomings as a worship leader because I feel like if I'm even going to get up there to lead worship, I need to have it all together. The reality is I don't and I NEVER will. I struggle with giving myself grace in that area and I struggle even more receiving it. If I had realized then what I was doing, I would have gotten back on stage and said something like this"
"I am sorry. I came today to lead us into worship but I came with my pride.
I came with an honest want to worship but also with a desire to impress you.
That is where I have failed. I am sorry that I came here to worship God-AND.
I was wrong to bring an AND. I should only have come today with a desire to
worship God, so please accept my humble apology. I want to start over now.
I am going to humbly worship my Father and if you want to join me
please do.”
Imagine the barriers that would have brought down?!? I’m sure it might have angered a few cynical people but mostly it would have opened up that time in such an honest way. I want to make that a habit from now on. If I go to lead, I go to lead through true example. I know that if I just get up there and worship with all my heart, let the lights fade and worship God as if it were just Him and I in my dorm room, then others would naturally be draw to Him through His presence.

My prayer today is that I would be able to away any intention to impress people and simply be able to love my God the way He loves me. Father, please help me come to your throne without any roots in this world. I thirst to be thirstier still. I will no longer bring myself to your throne unless I can come with all of myself. I want to proceed in simplicity so that I may love as you love. Thank you for your amazing grace, mercy, and most importantly love. Take away every anxiety I may have and replace it with Your peace. I love you.
Amen

Haley Kate